I haven’t been able to type much, haven’t really been able to write at all. So it goes.
So much has been happening and yet nothing at all. I had some pain-free days and so I forgot how careful I have to be. I wasn’t, careful that is, and the pain is back. Not as bad as before, thank goodness. And as hard as it is I’m doing a better job at taking care of myself.
It is very hard. For the past thirty-some years the kids have always come first. Even to learning that I had to take care of myself to model the behaviour I wanted them to learn. But even before that I learned not to take care of myself from my mother, school, society. That I have to eat three relatively healthy meals at regular intervals; that I have to drink enough water; that I can – must – indulge myself with treats, but sparingly. I have to exercise when I can, and rest a LOT. Somewhere in this I must not get so lonely that it affects my ability to function, and make and keep appointments not only with healthcare providers, but so that youngest son can pursue his driver’s licence, get some kind of high school diploma, fulfil all the paperwork requirements for going in the army. I need to get and (sometimes) keep appointments for care for computers, pets, and, again, myself. Just writing it all out is exhausting.
So here I am with a poem in my heart, but nothing that I can write, and enough time/energy today to create a blog post. Take the opportunities offered, do the next right thing. Move forward sometimes ten seconds at a time. All the survival skills that I have learned through being a survivor of sexual, ritual, and spousal abuse, becoming disabled, and having six kids (four grands). I can honestly say that my life is better than it has ever been, at the same time that the body is almost (but not quite) as bad as it has ever been.
Now, on to the next thing. Whatever that is. I’ll be back here, hopefully within the week, with a poem in words rather than just in my heart. Listening to music. With a cat pressed against my side. It is what it is, better and better. And – so it goes.