I’m probably late in order to keep my promise to write once a week. I don’t know. I’ve been dealing with pain that keeps me from sleeping, pain so bad that sometimes I cannot help crying out. I have no idea when was the last time I wrote, and if it weren’t for the holidays I doubt I would know what day it is.
That being said, I am not unhappy, just very, very tired. I am living my life as best I can, and the truth is that, pain aside, it’s a pretty good life. I wish I could go more places, be outside more, spend less time at the computer playing games. But I am where I am, doing what I do. I like my room, my house (rented, but I still hope to buy someday), the moshav I live on, living in Israel…
I just read a bit of a Hebrew story book with The Husband. I snapped at him once, for which I am sorry and a bit ashamed, but I recognise that I’m doing the best that I can, and he doesn’t hold it against me.
My mother once said that She would never put up with me, meaning like TH does, and that was when he was being an abusive P.O.S. Is it any wonder I don’t talk to her any more? And since TH is no longer what he used to be (who are you, and what have you done with my husband) I am glad he is still in my life. And reading Hebrew story books with me. I may never be conversational, but I’m still learning! Truthfully, that is what matters. That and staying away from the people who say (or think) that I’d better be dead, that my life is not worth living. I only need positive, helpful people in my life. That is the secret of my success – decades without a drink or a drug, and I haven’t killed anyone yet!
I am looking forward to sitting in the sukkah tonight, and for the next week. I have to remember to put on insect repellant because I sat out there last night and got eaten alive. Bug bites do not make me happy, even if they do indicate that I am still alive and relatively healthy. I moved a bunch of weights (free weights) into my room in the hope that if they are in my face I will use them more. I’m feeling well enough to contemplate exercise, I’ll find out if I’m well enough to do it.
I don’t know if it had happened yet when last I wrote, I now have two broken toes on my right foot. Hurt like hell the first couple of days but not enough to take my mind off of the other pain. Just enough to make walking another kind of torture. It’s getting better, barukh hashem, and last night I walked almost normally (for me). The cats helped, lying on my leg and purring, to heal the toes. Cats are good for something besides killing things (rats, assorted field rodents, scorpions, insects…) I have a cat I inherited from a friend that died, and I think he remembers being a kitten and playing in my bag. I brought knitting with me everywhere, and always had some yarn he could tangle – sometimes he just chewed on the edge of the bag. Kittens.
I have to stop ’cause my back hurts from all this sitting up. I’m still here, and writing even if most of it is just in my head. And reading (much more slowly) and knitting (slower still). Even though it doesn’t all feel good, it’s all good.