Something Different

This is something entirely different, because I simply can’t keep up with my friends my diary, a blog, and all the other things that require that my hands work.  Not to mention musical instruments.  Have I mentioned musical instruments?  I guess I’m going to have to focus on my voice if I ever want to make music again.  It does simplify things I suppose.

So instead of having a topic, or writing a letter, or trying to chat, here it is, all rolled into one.  Which means it might not make much sense to anyone who doesn’t know the whole story.  So it goes…

***

I’ve learned to keep myself warm, too warm, but it is better than cold.  Cold brings or exacerbates the pain.  Hunh! I can’t quite believe that I spelled that correctly.  So I’m sitting in my room with the door and window closed and the heater on it’s lowest setting and sweating.  I don’t like how it feels, but I remind myself that sweating is good, and to drink water, and that I am cleaning poisons out of my system.  I hope.

I’m no longer eating dairy, and have cut way down on corn.  Which means my entire diet has to change.  Where do I get appetite satisfying fats, and how do I find protein-rich meals that are not entirely meat based?  And so on.  BTW, please don’t give me suggestions regarding food here.  If you absolutely must, and you know me, you can phone.  Email, texting, anything that requires that I type a response is not helpful right now.

I’ve been using food for comfort for so long.  There haven’t been many physical comforts in my life, and now I have to stop using this one.  Hey, I was already losing weight!  Slowly.  Don’t start me on the doctors.  I’ve lost approaching 30kg in the past four years.  Which suits me just fine, there is no hurry.  It’s coming off naturally, not because of some drugs, or diets.  I haven’t changed my entire relationship with food, but it is definitely in a state of flux.  We haven’t quite needed to break up, but the dynamics had to change.  They are changing.  Why does it have to stop so abruptly?  There are no answers for me yet.

We all are driven to some extent by pain and pain avoidance.  This is somewhat extreme, but I will do anything if it means not sitting in the back of my w/c van howling for the better part of an hour from pain so bad I have no words.  Literally, I lost words.  Maybe you had to be there.

Yesterday I was out of the house for the longest I’ve been since the trip to Eilat.  Mixed results on that btw, there was so much pain and the hotel was not helpful, but I came home happy and with some new stuff that makes my life better, so on balance it was all to the good.

Yesterday I went to see the orthopedist, who did nothing at all helpful, because there really is nothing he can do, but who made me feel much better – why aren’t more doctors like that?  Then I took youngest son to see a new (to him) dental hygienist, who is quite wonderful, and made him feel good too.  Finally I went to see the counsellor I am actually working with (me! working with a counsellor! who knew?) and amongst news of pain and updates on tv shows, I also mentioned two memories I am flashing back to.  Just flashes, where I usually get longer bits of memory, story fragments at least.  They have that ‘you-are-there’ quality.  I couldn’t figure out why – what if anything they have in common – but I can see how the pain is related to the memory wherein my favourite perp essentially separated my left arm from the rest of me.  It is something I can’t explain, if you know then you know is all.  The other memory, I still don’t know, but the counsellor (she hates the word shrink, and I hate shrinks, which makes it all so difficult) made the suggestion that I am starting to mourn.

My response to her (and here) is then what have I been bawling about for the past fifteen years?  I’ve got mourning.  I’ve been mourning.  Maybe I have a lot more mourning to do (of course I do) but *starting?*  I actually thought about firing her, but we are taking a month off anyway, so I have lots of time to sort that one out.  And over all I like her (as a person) and she is pretty good about keeping the shrink out of our time together.  I guess we’ll have to see.

In any event I was out a lot yesterday, a lot for me.  It was very windy sometimes, but I was fortunate enough to find a pair of earmuffs on my way back from Eilat.  They do a terrific job of protecting me from cold blowing in my left ear.  I still felt it – I wasn’t keeping myself as warm as I need, but enough that the pain was only miserable.  Which isn’t too bad considering how it gets.

Today I felt awful, but I’d already forgotten how much (for me) I did yesterday, and couldn’t figure out why I felt so bad until my youngest daughter reminded me I had quite a full day yesterday.

It is now after midnight, so I need to be doing the winding down stuff that I do.  I had something of a meaningful chat with The Husband, and that is playing a bit in my head, so I am going to listen to an audiobook, and work some math puzzles, and compose myself for sleep.  I hope.

Sleep is one of those things that is no longer a given when disability takes control of your life.  So I might sleep.  I might not.  Regardless, it is up to me to have a good night, and with any luck a good day coming.

The hands were ready to quit a while ago.  I hope anyone who cares sees this, ’cause it’s all I’m writing, possibly for days.  The body’s not working, but I really am okay today.

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2 thoughts on “Something Different

  1. Thank you for writing all this, dear Mel. Sending love and hugs and wishes for much less effing pain in your life. ❤ xx

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