During the past week I’ve thought often of writing here, but it hasn’t seemed like the right thing to do. Busy, yes, but also battling internal demons. During a war with bombs falling all ’round one’s internal demons shrink in importance, even seem to disappear for a while. If I want to be rid of them, I could move to someplace where there are no ceasefires… or, maybe not.
Family stuff is paramount. Trying to maintain and heal connections with family members in some areas, while trying to keep others at a firm and hopefully safe distance. There are people who never will step out of themselves long enough to acknowledge that there *are* other perspectives. Perhaps one could remain friends with a person like that, if nothing traumatic is happening. Not so much when one’s life is literally on the line.
I’m struggling to work through traumas that are decades old, and others that have occurred in the past year. Most recently I was abused by a doctor which has had the unfortunate affect that any time I need to see a doctor for any reason, I become practically frozen from fear. It doesn’t help that the last time I needed to see a doctor (opthalmologist, this past week), I met another doctor in the corridor who made no secret of his conviction that I am lying and making myself out to be worse off than I am. For what, for benefits? for attention? I don’t know and he never comes right out and says it, it is merely implied in his behaviour. “So you CAN get here for appointments” (implication: I don’t *need* the authorized home visits), when I had to get in to the clinic because there is no way to get my eyes checked for cataracts in my home.
It’s ugly and hard and is related to having an invisible chronic illness as well as being a trauma survivor (which is in it’s way also an i.c.i.) So it all comes around, myriad connections that make it sometimes harder to talk about because nothing can be reduced to a few simple sentences, but, perhaps, easier to work on as you can’t help but improve other things while working on any particular.
Quiet today, and since I’m not going into particulars, that’s all I’ve got to say.