Crazy Ol’ World

Oh, man, bad night. Was pleasant to wake up to a cease-fire. First time the big guns have been silent in weeks. It was a little bit surreal.

Unfortunately it didn’t help us overmuch. So much stress has been built up, and we can’t trust the bloody cease-fire. Never know when a rocket will come in. We’ve been through cease-fires before. It’s a bit of a joke – a cease-fire means that we/Israel stops firing.

Anyway, it WAS a quiet day, thank goodness. All of us are stressed beyond belief, but felt a bit better at the end of the day than at the beginning.

I probably feel a bit better in part because I lost it and went off in a couple of directions. Not saying anything mean or hurtful, saying things that I really believe but ordinarily would keep under my hat. Getting angry about something appropriate and expressing my anger was somewhat cathartic. I can’t express my anger about the war, the bombing, the fear, the uncertainty, the lies, in any way that makes me feel better. I can and will bite your nose off if you get in my face and diss me. So for the foreseeable future – it’s better not to mess with me.

It was nice in a way having us all here, but it did add a bit to the stress and mess. Too many people, people tripping over each other, people getting in one-another’s way was something we none of us were able to cope with. Well, I say that, but we DID cope. Just felt rotten at various times for various reasons.

Youngest son was glad to be home, but despite a week away from the bombs, was still on uncertain emotional ground. Youngest daughter, so stressed and sleep deprived working in the army had no cope for anything.

Older daughter helped by practicing some of the therapeutic techniques she’s been learning on family members. I haven’t been getting adequate personal care and as a result have a bit of an infection. Nothing life-threatening, but painful and making life more difficult. One thing that my older daughter did was help me to do some exercises in bed. Here’s hoping it makes a difference in my functioning over time, it sure helped today.

The bombs and the booms are going strong again now. I’ve two critters on my bed, and I have my doubts I’ll be able to thread my legs between them to get into bed and get some sleep. If the booms get to be too much, though, the dog will go under the bed, and then there will be adequate room for me. It all sort of works out.

Sending youngest son away again tomorrow. I don’t want to, but I know it is the right thing to do. I hope he will be happy or at least comfortable. The friend I am sending him to is one of the best, kindest people I know and I know if it is in her power she will make him happy there. Oldest son is going with him to make sure he is settled there, and then will come back. I will fret. Of course I will. Also, while the two boys are gone it will be much harder taking care of the critters. And laundry. And dishes. I doubt there will be a large enough reduction in housework to make up for their absence.

All sorts of things to think and worry about, and in the midst of all this I have to start the paperwork to sue b’tuach leumi (the national insurance) for an appropriate recognition of my disability. I’m sure it’s worth it, but maybe in the middle of the war isn’t the time? I don’t know. Just do the next right thing, put one foot in front of the other, and trust that it all works out in the end. It is the only way.

I was thinking I would write about how being hysterical while living in a war zone is appropriate. How it is insane to expect sanity and calmness when there are bombs and guns all around, not for a day, or a week, but weeks or months or more. And yet here I am again managing (somewhat) to write what I trust is relatively sanely, and with relative calm. I guess it’s just a crazy ol’ world.

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